I want to die. A break up is unbearable. Failing at starting online businesses for almost a year is horrible. Being broke is terrible. My blog not getting any traffic is depressing.
I feel I could not take it any longer, I want to end this life right freaking now, what’s the point of living a life that’s devoid of happiness or joy? Just let me die!
But, I don’t actually plan to kill myself. I just say these things as a way to tell you how gloom I’m currently feeling. Hell, I don’t even know how I motivated myself to write this post, I just want to lay on my bed and cry myself to sleep, or drink until I get drunk.
But anyway I got myself to start typing. And since I can’t think of anything other than how terrible my life is, let me tell you what to do when you feel the same way.
Know That It’s a Feeling
In the moments when you feel “this is the end of my life”, you will think that your whole life is a failure and you don’t have a tomorrow and nobody ever loved you or ever will.
These depressing thoughts that you think to yourself, they are not about your life, or your tomorrow, or whether anybody has loved you, it’s about your feelings.
You feel so terrible that you have no way to express it other than telling yourself that your whole life sucks.
Or screw it, you feel the whole world sucks, you feel the sky is gray, dark clouds everywhere, birds don’t sing, people don’t smile, and even dogs don’t have sex on the streets.
You just feel everything before your eyes is black and white.
You know that feeling, right? And you know that the sky is fine, and everything is as colorful as they always are, and dogs are still messing with each other on the streets, right?
When we are happy, we’ll see everything as shining, and our whole life as beautiful. When we are unhappy, we see everything crying, and our whole life a failure.
It’s not about your life, or this world, or the dogs on the streets, it’s about your feelings.
So no matter how terrible you feel about yourself, or your life, know that it’s not about them. It’s about your feelings.
You just feel terrible. But your life might be okay.
Feelings Don’t Last
You know that a child could laugh very hard after he has cried loudly. Because feelings don’t last, whatever upsets you won’t trouble you forever.
It might trouble you for a day, or a month, or even years, but not forever.
And someday you will laugh again.
There are some strong feelings that will change us forever, like saying goodbye to someone very dear to us. In a sense these feelings don’t go away, but we will find a way to live with it. At first you feel it rips your heart apart, then it makes you sad every day, then you want to cry every time you think of it, but can still carry on with your life.
Whatever you do, don’t repress your feelings. Cry if you have to. Drink if you have to. But don’t pretend you feel nothing. Repressed feelings will keep troubling you until you give in to your tears. They will go away on their own, but by repressing them you will stop them and keep them with you.
You Actually Can Take It
I know you don’t believe me, but you can take it if you have no choice. Sometimes you have to accept that someone is gone forever, sometimes you need to accept that you have wasted your life and need to start from scratch.
I know because I’ve been there before. About two years earlier, I feel even worse than now. At that time, I was also suffering from a break up, but I feel way worse. Also, I had to face that I had wasted my university years and won’t get a diploma. And I had no idea how I was gonna survive out of university. Every day I would feel like a dead man.
I don’t know how exactly I got out of there but I did. I put one foot in front of the other, and slowly things began to move forward. I finished my second Tarot book in Chinese, began working out, learned Japanese, started another blog on self-help, and ready to start again.
That’s not the only time. Somewhere in 2015, I had a free Tarot webinar that I prepared for a month. I intended to sell a paid course with it. It didn’t work and I felt terrible. Later I realized that the blog I have been building for 6 years won’t be enough to generate a stable income, I need to start over. It makes me feel more terrible, and I almost want to die.
Then I think to myself, if I have to start over, I’ll do it in English. Now I have this blog.
We will feel like dying when something or someone familiar is no more, because in a way our life, our world is changed permanently. But then we’ll start over.