Lone Tarot Reader

A Reading on My Break Up

Recently I broke up with my girlfriend after a fight. Needless to say it has caused a lot of emotional stress on me and sometimes I find myself unable to concentrate, so I did a Tarot reading for myself on 9th October, which I will share with you shortly.

While I won’t go into the details of this break up since another person is involved, I will be as honest as I can as to my own feelings. You might wonder why I choose to do that, why I decide to share my most intimate thoughts publicly, thoughts that many would refuse to share with a close friends.

As a Tarot reader, people come to me regularly with such emotionally intense problems, break up, divorce, rejected love, broken heart, etc. I believe that a Tarot reader could only help others with an open heart and that we shouldn’t pretend to be a bystander. It’s just time for me to walk the talk.

On the night before the reading, I dreamed of getting back together. Immediately after I woke up, I began missing my ex-girlfriend greatly. This time, the feeling is more intense than ever and I almost couldn’t bear it.

So I did the reading, with no particular question or spread in mind. Just to look into this break up.

The three cards that come up are The Star, Four of Wands, and Two of Swords Reversed.

Usually I don’t interpret card by card. But this time it seems each one has a distinct message.

The Star: This card shows that even if I now feel terrible, I’m in the process of recovering and that I’ll be okay in the future. It also indicates that I’m far calmer than I appear.

Four of Wands: This card is about what I want in a relationship. I want a relationship to be stable, instead of ending abruptly. I know the end of a relationship would always feel abrupt, but still, break up after a fight? Seriously? It is also saying that I now feel lonely and is hungry for companion.

Two of Swords Reversed: There is a conflict between my feelings and my rational mind. I have already decided to let go, but my feelings still cling to that person. And sometimes I don’t know which one to follow.

Then I ask myself, if we get back together, what will happen? I think we will break up again after the next fight, or the next fight after that. Then maybe we will get back together again. And the cycle repeats.

That is not acceptable. I’ve been there once and I know it’s better off breaking up once and for all.

But again, I am compelled by my feelings to ask, is there a way to make this relationship work? Is there a way to fix this problem so that we could get back together?

I wish there is. I really do. But I know it’s unlikely. My part of the problem is that I took too much responsibility from the very beginning. I almost always tried to solve her problems, like emotional problems. Once I stopped doing so, to her it would be as if I don’t love her any more.

It’s a sad thing. I want my actions of love to be appreciated. But by taking responsibility of solving the other person’s problem, it becomes an obligation.

This pattern has to end. That this relationship may also have to end is but a side effect.

It feels almost coldblooded to write such a sentence, but they are as true as my carvings to be appreciated.

You might be surprised at how I seem to not feel hurt at all. Well, I feel hurt, angry, sad, and I really miss her.

I recognize my feelings so they don’t interfere with my thinking. I don’t think “we have been perfect for each other”, that’s not a thought, that’s missing her.  I don’t think “no one has made me happier than her”, that’s not a thought, that’s missing her.

I can think straight because I know I’m missing her and don’t pretend not to.

But how can I bear such intense emotions? By not running away from them.

And I am still heavily affected. The night after I did the reading, I didn’t sleep well, dreamed of her again, and woke up anxious and stressed.